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"doml-8-20240220": {
"title": "doml #8 -- 2024/02/20",
"description": "doml #8 - exploring daily struggles of life, academic stress, reading of animal farm by george orwell, personal growth, progress, anxiety, breaks, emotions - just a rollercoaster of events, emotions, thoughts, side-tracked notes like music, etc,,",
- "content": "this doml will mainly be like 'school sucks lol' but it's sorta the\nmain thing bothering me atm, anyway, with this prefixed, let's jump into\nmy angsty teenage thoughts \ud83d\udc4d\n\ni'm so stressed, daily feels like unbearable torture, i feel\nlike i'm in some sadist's bdsm dream where i'm supposed to like\nthe total torture of the system\n\nthe system literally feels like a box of zero creativity and\nfreedom, it's literally all memorization and repeating of what someone\nsomeday said, no actual learning, just tagging along w everyone else\nlol, then there's so much material and shit to learn, and then there's\ndaily tests and shit, that's extremely stressful, oh also, exams\nare near\n\ni passed my english oral exam with 17/20 points ( 85% ) not too long ago\nand i feel like i could've done better, but i was shaking in\nplace and it was so shit, it was total garbage, i hated it,\nand there's at least 1 more oral exam and 1 oral test waiting for\nme - both from lithuanian, a subject i suck big big ass in,\ni'll probably fail that, especially because i have to base it off\nlithuanian literature\n\nmy theme for the oral exam speech ( translated ) is\n\n> Totalitarianism and propaganda portrayal in\n> George Orwell's \"1984\" and \"Animal farm\".\n\nand for the test speech it's just 'Animal farm' - basically\nmy goal is to talk about animal farm by geogre orwell, that's what\ni'm supposed to do, well, at least we got to pick the books lol,\nand the themes for the exam speech\n\nwell, anyway, last year i read 1984 and i really\nenjoyed the book, though i did lose the diary thing, but my teacher\nprobably has the physical copy somewhere, yet i'll still try to write\nit out of memory lol, the blog post about 1984 can be found here : \n\nand now, i guess i kinda wanna give my opinion on animal farm, kinda side\ntracking from the main subject of this post, but still\n\n## animal farm\n\n( spoilers lol, skip to <#:messaging of animal farm> if you wanna skip the spoilers )\n\nanimal farm was cool, i preferred 1984 ngl, but animal farm was super quick\nto read ( i did it in 1 day, couple of hours ) and it wasn't too confusing or\ncomplex, i expected it to be much harder to interpret as allegories like this\ntend to be super confusing and easy to get lost in, especially when it's in\nlithuanian ( i read animal farm in lithuanian ) and it was, surprisingly smooth\n\nfirstly i thought the title was like this because people and politicians are\nportrayed as animals, but now i think it's in reference to when animals reclaimed\nthe \"manor farm\" ( ? idk i translated it lol ) and renamed it into \"animal farm\"\nand that was a moment, it was kinda damn imagining the living situation of the\nanimals literally, and situation in the current world, allegorically\n\nthen the animals sorta made like 7 commandments that sounded something like :\n\n1. Whoever walks on two legs is an enemy.\n2. He who walks on all fours or has wings is a friend.\n3. No animal shall wear clothes.\n4. No animal shall sleep in a bed.\n5. No animal is allowed to drink alcohol.\n6. No animal shall kill any other animal.\n7. All animals are equal.\n\nwhich was cool i guess, but over time pigs became the government and the superior\nanimal and stuff, and i found that funny how politicians were portrayed as\npigs, but honestly - deserved lol, but anyway\n\npigs gave themselves more privileges and stuff, saying 'managing the farm is a super\nhard job' - for example when pigs made it so they are the only ones who could drink\nmilk and eat apples ( or smt i don't really recall that too clearly right now ),\nand over time there were political fights, etc, and one thing stood out to me -\nhow the pigs ( politicians ) changed the law to fit their interests and privileges\nand whatnot, it was slowly changed to something like :\n\n1. Four legs is good, two is even better. ( this was shouted after some political fight and became law, when pigs walked on twos )\n2. Who walks on all fours or has wings is a friend. ( i don't remember this being changed )\n3. An animal can wear clothes. ( this was somewhere at the end or where pigs wore clothing )\n4. Resting place is important for pigs. ( i'm unsure if this was law, but i know that pigs had the privilege to beds and housing )\n5. No animal should drink alcohol without moderation. ( or something like that, when pigs begun brewing beer and starving other animals ( what an allegory for modern world's capitalism ! ) )\n6. No animal shall kill any other animal without reason. ( lol, this one was sorta funny, when the leader ( napoleon ) sentenced multiple other animals to death sentence )\n7. All animals are equal, but some are more equal. ( this one got me so bad, bro, 'more equal', that's too funny lmao )\n\nhonestly, it's funny, i hate that i love how accurately it portrays politicians\nand capitalism and shit nowadays,,\n\nanyway, i'm not going to spoil any further, but it's a nice, quick read, i'd\nsuggest, a good 8/10 :)\n\n## messaging of animal farm\n\n( this is where the spoilers end )\n\nthis got me thinking about politics and economics, today's world is sad lol\n\npolitics can be a great tool, it can be used for good, and to this day, on\nsome rare occasion, it is used for good, helping people in need and such, though\nall i usually see out of it is just publication and a good eye lol, money\nruns the world, and reputation is everything, i guess lol, it feels like politics\nnowadays is used for manipulation, privilege and wars\n\nand on the economical side, capitalism is what came up lol, it's a cool system,\ni don't think there's much else that could work better, and communism has been\nhistorically proven as ineffective, it's sad how capitalism has driven our society\n( god i hate that word sm ) into an abuse machine, it's sad how you have to abuse\nthe working class, underpaying, to make any profit, why can't the world be more peaceful\nlol, welp, it is what it is i guess,,\n\n## moving on ...\n\nanyway, back to more thoughts of mine, stress,, stress i the only word i can use to\ndescribe my life currently lol, it's nothing but that, it sucks, oh and 'jail' lol\n\nstress was already described above, why i'm feeling so stressed, and it sucks lol,\nbut it's temporary, i'll suffer for a few years, but a future is waiting for me, a future\nwhere i'm freer, happier, living in an environment i can heal from the life hurt i've\nexperienced over the years, i can finally work and build my own life, even though i'll\nbe in an abused working class, i'll be at least \"somewhere\" lol\n\nand jail, god, the lithuanian education system sucks so bad, there's zero creativity, there's\nzero true learning, i retain basically nothing from school, because there's nothing to learn,\nthey give you magical numbers, formulas, texts, and then tell you to just remember it,\ni wish it was more practical rather than what ever *this* is lol,, freedom and creativity are\nhuge values to me, and i truly feel in-jailed ( ? ) in the system, i crave for the creativity,\ni crave for learning, i crave for substance and not pure 'take this book and recite it, my disciples'\nlol, welp, once again a thing i'm hopeless at changing, i kinda have to suffer through it\nand then live freely, hopefully lol\n\nhoping to move out of this shithole someday, lithuania sucks lol, i cant describe how much i hate\nit here, people suck, economy sucks, politics suck, everything here sucks, the only redeeming\nquality of lithuania is that it has a couple of old beautiful sights, and that it isn't all\nasphalt unlike america lol, i really wanna go back to germany, as explained in \nlol, but that's for the future\n\nright now, my goal and purpose is to push it through, and i've been through much worse, i'll\nsurvive this too, what's the 3 or 4 more years of suffering if i've already lived 16 years\nin it, god, i hate how emo this sounds lmao, but i mean, like, eh, it's just stupidity lol\n\ni'll get over this way of thinking one day, or not, idk, life is a confusing hard mess and i'm\nnot happy with it, i wanna change everything about it, i wanna break my life down, rip it into pieces,\nand rebuild it from scratch\n\ni'll quote my friend from a few days\n\n> you can't heal in an environment that hurt you\n\nand yeah lol, i just ew, i'll just push it through lol, like with piercings lol,\nit's so stupid to just like give up mid way through, just push it through, like with\nmy septum piercing, that was so painful, but my piercer pushed it through, it was temporary,\nand now i'm happy with it, we need some help sometimes, i guess\n\ni should really start seeing a psychiatrist again, but a good one, then a psychologist or\na therapist lol, or i'll be at this for time and time again trying to heal on my\nown, or if we use piercings as an analogy - i'll keep trying to pierce my own septum until\ni eventually can't do it and either be unhappy with everything constantly bothering me, or\ni give in and seek for a person to help me ( my piercer was so sweet i love her )\n\nwell, until i stop living in my bubble and have the resources for it, i'm stuck with just\npushing through, and idk, i can handle it, and i have my friends to support me, if anything\ni'll just have a week long mental breakdown and reset myself lol like that one time lol,\nbut mental breakdowns feel so garbage while they're happening, it's so mentally painful,\nit's horrible, but you feel good after and feel like you've let everything out of you, i need\na good mental breakdown, it'd be such a nice break from everything and an emotional reset i\nneed, but i'll keep myself together lol, the school year is almost over ( well 3 or so more motnsh\nbut still ), and then i'll get a break, i hope this summer will actually be good unlike the last\none lol\n\ni'm looking forward for next year a bit more than this, next year i'll get to pick what i want\nto study, which means it'll be a bit more engaging rather than constant pressure to learn random\npainful things, although the issue of lack of creativity and 'true learning' will still persist,\nat least i'll be engaged in the class lol\n\nliterally 1984\n\nlast week i decided to take a small break from code, i'm glad i did lol, i can't imagine\nmyself managing code stuff and working on this much school stuff at the same time, it's so much\n\nhttps://github.com/ari-lt/sites.ari.lt/issues/1 states :\n\n hey\n\n i'm taking a little break for 2 weeks as i feel like i'm working on code 24/7 and living on the clock, i am feeling\n very overwhelmed living with no break time, even people who are of working age get a couple of days of break,\n while i usually don't and i feel like its about time i take a break, my week usually looks like this :\n\n working days : energy exhausted, tired, can't work on anything\n saturday : usually spent on code\n sunday : test prep, school prep, stress, etc\n\n so ye, i think i'll give myself a break because i can't lol\n\nas much as i enjoy this, i think this is a well deserved break lol, i've been going at this code stuff\nfor a while non-stop, some of it underground, private, some of it on communities like coder ( idr if that's\nthe platform name, but there was like a social media or smt for like programmers where ppl could share\ntheir code and post it ), some of it theoretical, and of course - open source stuff too, i've also done some\nwork for people, i've been the internet's tech support too, etc etc etc - there's a lot i've done with basically\nno break for years lol, but i'm probably just like seeing it like such a big thing when its probably stupid and\nnothing, its annoying, i'm constantly unsure if something is stupid or not, i wish i could think like everyone else\nbut at the same time i don't - there's no way i'd like to be the same as everyone else, but like i'd like to have\nthe aspect of knowing if something is stupid or not ( for example the break thing )\n\ni'm so given up on everything, i feel like i've just made up my own delusions that i'll push it through, that future\nis brighter, that everything i do now is stupid and pointless, or that it's important, or that something, i feel like\ni'm living in my own world and that there's two people constantly contradicting one another, but eh, until i have\nbasis to prove that my delusions are false, i'll just stay in my safe bubble lol\n\ni'm distressed, exhausted, tired, angsty, angry, in-jailed, hopeful yet hopeless, distracted, not attached to reality, delusional,\nlazy, and in need of peace - i don't know what i'm saying anymore, it feels like i'm just spitting synonyms out expecting\nit to make sense, i'm an emotional ball of angst and i can't wait until my delusions ( allegedly ) come true\n\nok, side tracking,\n\nthis nice song just begun playing and i think it's nice, y'all should check it out\n\n( PIGBREATH - The Night Is Young (Official Music Video) ), i like it, i found it today like 2-3 hours ago and it's cool\n\nalso did y'all know that girl in red ( my beloved artist ) released a new song, it's super nice :3\n ( girl in red - Too Much (Official Video) ),\ni like this song, it's playing right now,, my best friend, [casey](https://ari.lt/casey), pointed it out to me like 1 or 2 days ago\n\nwell, anyway, there's another thing bothering me - people, there's so many things that trigger me, or make my emotions\nexplode, some more than others, like there's things people trigger almost if not daily and i'm sorta used to it, even if it\ndoes hurt, i know how to control it, but some rarer ones make me explode, and it sucks, i'm learning how to control my\nemotions as it's truly a me issue lol, not as if anyone should be required to deal with my own issues and triggers, it's my\njob to ask or stay quiet and deal with it, it's very painful and annoying, but i mean, it's a me issue lol\n\n## reflection\n\ni've made so much progress from my old self lol, thinking back about my life i feel a sense of accomplishment,\nbut it's sad how much work is needed to undo everything, i'll heal once i'm out of here, i think\n\ni used to have plans of suicide and stuff, now i don't, it's damn, i thought it's set in stone, i also used to\nbe a big anorexic, i'm not as much of one anymore, still a bit shaky on that, but i'm hanging \ud83d\udc4d, i used to\nbe super unhappy with my body, i'm now unhappy with my body knowing what's wrong, that's progress i guess ? i\nused to self harm a lot, i'm repulsed by it now, i used to be scared to express myself in any way, i'm not\nas scared anymore, i also moved away from the shitty school i was in before, i'm learning how to deal with my\nemotions better, i'm also learning how to properly treat myself, i've also tried many hobbies in my life, and i've\ngotten okay at one - programming, i also like cooking to this day, i used to also be super into chemistry\nand languages, biology too iirc, music creation ( both digital and \"physical\" if it makes sense ) in general it was cool\n\nwell, i'm glad programming stayed with me, i have a lot of fun with it and it gives me the freedom, creativity, and control\ni so long for in many aspects of life, and i like cooking, it helps me to develop a healthier relationship with food,\ni am trying to not optimize for 'how low calorie can i make this' - but honestly, my brain finds it super hard to\nnot optimize for kcal count to be low, but i mean i'm not trying to make everything super low calorie on purpose\nanymore, today was like one of those rare times i made pancakes, bro pancakes - one of my biggest fears before,\nWITH NO SPINACH, like if i craved pancakes so much i would just shove a lot of spinach to fill me up rather than anything\nelse, and today i made like normal pancakes lol, it wasn't horrible but it was sorta hard to digest, ofc made with\nvegan ingredients as i'm vegan myself lol\n\ncurrently my view on food and stuff is like 'it should be satisfying and feel good', this one girl on youtube called\n helped me understand that, maybe i'll change my view on it someday, but\nfor now that's what works for me /shrug\n\nidk, there's also personal growth, some private stuff, also self-discovery journey, etc - it's very damn\n\nthere's also some negative sides, for example i barely talk to anyone i used to talk to like 5 years ago, 5 years ago i\nused to be surrounded by like rodrigo, some tiktok friends, corbin too i think, that one girl and her emo artist friend,\nmax, those are the main ones i can recall, mainly from the lgbt support group i was in back then lol, i mean there were\nother people like noel, my best friend, which i don't talk to anymore after 10 years of friendship lol, etc etc etc lol\n\nthough i've gained other friends and stayed with others, but well, people come and go, currently, at this stage of life,\ni don't talk to many people lol, i don't really have any super close or closish bonds besides like bloody and casey, there's\nother people like joe, mike, kuran, ofc sininenkissa, other matrix people i talk to, but i wouldn't call them close bonds,\nmaybe mike, i would consider mike the closest out of that list lol, like i have connections with people, but they're never\nthat deep or close or meaningful or anything, well besides a couple, but it works for me lol, and i'm glad i'm not fully\nsocially isolated - like i sometimes go, and have went through social isolation episodes lol\n\ni've gotten better at dealing with a lot of stuff, but worse at other, i've learned to accept some things and break others\ndown, i've changed as a person, i've changed my environment, and this is probably not the first and not the last time i feel\nthis overwhelmed by change, tests, exams, life, friends, people, etc\n\n## concluding\n\ni mean i got a portion of what i wanted to get off my chest, off my chest, and i feel better now lol, i'm glad i have a\nplace like this to express myself in, share stories, and sometime look back on it, maybe not always in a positive light,\nbut it's something lol\n\nit's kinda scary to write about mental health and stuff after what happened in the past over half a year or so lol,\nbut it's over, and i'm getting over it lol\n\non a side note, [ari.lt](https://ari.lt/) matrix homeserver ( )\nis doing great, one of the coolest things that happened to it so far, is that it got #1 places in\ntwim ( this week in matrix ) blog : \n\nso that's cool\n\nanyway thanks for giving me this opportunity to express myself, and, well, til next time :),\ncrazy roller-coaster of events and emotions we just went through lol\n\nari\n\n2024/02/20\n\nmeow meow",
+ "content": "this doml will mainly be like 'school sucks lol' but it's sorta the\nmain thing bothering me atm, anyway, with this prefixed, let's jump into\nmy angsty teenage thoughts \ud83d\udc4d\n\ni'm so stressed, daily feels like unbearable torture, i feel\nlike i'm in some sadist's bdsm dream where i'm supposed to like\nthe total torture of the system\n\nthe system literally feels like a box of zero creativity and\nfreedom, it's literally all memorization and repeating of what someone\nsomeday said, no actual learning, just tagging along w everyone else\nlol, then there's so much material and shit to learn, and then there's\ndaily tests and shit, that's extremely stressful, oh also, exams\nare near\n\ni passed my english oral exam with 17/20 points ( 85% ) not too long ago\nand i feel like i could've done better, but i was shaking in\nplace and it was so shit, it was total garbage, i hated it,\nand there's at least 1 more oral exam and 1 oral test waiting for\nme - both from lithuanian, a subject i suck big big ass in,\ni'll probably fail that, especially because i have to base it off\nlithuanian literature\n\nmy theme for the oral exam speech ( translated ) is\n\n> Totalitarianism and propaganda portrayal in\n> George Orwell's \"1984\" and \"Animal farm\".\n\nand for the test speech it's just 'Animal farm' - basically\nmy goal is to talk about animal farm by geogre orwell, that's what\ni'm supposed to do, well, at least we got to pick the books lol,\nand the themes for the exam speech\n\nwell, anyway, last year i read 1984 and i really\nenjoyed the book, though i did lose the diary thing, but my teacher\nprobably has the physical copy somewhere, yet i'll still try to write\nit out of memory lol, the blog post about 1984 can be found here : \n\nand now, i guess i kinda wanna give my opinion on animal farm, kinda side\ntracking from the main subject of this post, but still\n\n## animal farm\n\n( spoilers lol, skip to <#:messaging of animal farm> if you wanna skip the spoilers )\n\nanimal farm was cool, i preferred 1984 ngl, but animal farm was super quick\nto read ( i did it in 1 day, couple of hours ) and it wasn't too confusing or\ncomplex, i expected it to be much harder to interpret as allegories like this\ntend to be super confusing and easy to get lost in, especially when it's in\nlithuanian ( i read animal farm in lithuanian ) and it was, surprisingly smooth\n\nfirstly i thought the title was like this because people and politicians are\nportrayed as animals, but now i think it's in reference to when animals reclaimed\nthe \"manor farm\" ( ? idk i translated it lol ) and renamed it into \"animal farm\"\nand that was a moment, it was kinda damn imagining the living situation of the\nanimals literally, and situation in the current world, allegorically\n\nthen the animals sorta made like 7 commandments that sounded something like :\n\n1. Whoever walks on two legs is an enemy.\n2. He who walks on all fours or has wings is a friend.\n3. No animal shall wear clothes.\n4. No animal shall sleep in a bed.\n5. No animal is allowed to drink alcohol.\n6. No animal shall kill any other animal.\n7. All animals are equal.\n\nwhich was cool i guess, but over time pigs became the government and the superior\nanimal and stuff, and i found that funny how politicians were portrayed as\npigs, but honestly - deserved lol, but anyway\n\npigs gave themselves more privileges and stuff, saying 'managing the farm is a super\nhard job' - for example when pigs made it so they are the only ones who could drink\nmilk and eat apples ( or smt i don't really recall that too clearly right now ),\nand over time there were political fights, etc, and one thing stood out to me -\nhow the pigs ( politicians ) changed the law to fit their interests and privileges\nand whatnot, it was slowly changed to something like :\n\n1. Four legs is good, two is even better. ( this was shouted after some political fight and became law, when pigs walked on twos )\n2. Who walks on all fours or has wings is a friend. ( i don't remember this being changed )\n3. An animal can wear clothes. ( this was somewhere at the end or where pigs wore clothing )\n4. Resting place is important for pigs. ( i'm unsure if this was law, but i know that pigs had the privilege to beds and housing )\n5. No animal should drink alcohol without moderation. ( or something like that, when pigs begun brewing beer and starving other animals ( what an allegory for modern world's capitalism ! ) )\n6. No animal shall kill any other animal without reason. ( lol, this one was sorta funny, when the leader ( napoleon ) sentenced multiple other animals to death sentence )\n7. All animals are equal, but some are more equal. ( this one got me so bad, bro, 'more equal', that's too funny lmao )\n\nhonestly, it's funny, i hate that i love how accurately it portrays politicians\nand capitalism and shit nowadays,,\n\nanyway, i'm not going to spoil any further, but it's a nice, quick read, i'd\nsuggest, a good 8/10 :)\n\n## messaging of animal farm\n\n( this is where the spoilers end )\n\nthis got me thinking about politics and economics, today's world is sad lol\n\npolitics can be a great tool, it can be used for good, and to this day, on\nsome rare occasion, it is used for good, helping people in need and such, though\nall i usually see out of it is just publication and a good eye lol, money\nruns the world, and reputation is everything, i guess lol, it feels like politics\nnowadays is used for manipulation, privilege and wars\n\nand on the economical side, capitalism is what came up lol, it's a cool system,\ni don't think there's much else that could work better, and communism has been\nhistorically proven as ineffective, it's sad how capitalism has driven our society\n( god i hate that word sm ) into an abuse machine, it's sad how you have to abuse\nthe working class, underpaying, to make any profit, why can't the world be more peaceful\nlol, welp, it is what it is i guess,,\n\n## moving on ...\n\nanyway, back to more thoughts of mine, stress,, stress i the only word i can use to\ndescribe my life currently lol, it's nothing but that, it sucks, oh and 'jail' lol\n\nstress was already described above, why i'm feeling so stressed, and it sucks lol,\nbut it's temporary, i'll suffer for a few years, but a future is waiting for me, a future\nwhere i'm freer, happier, living in an environment i can heal from the life hurt i've\nexperienced over the years, i can finally work and build my own life, even though i'll\nbe in an abused working class, i'll be at least \"somewhere\" lol\n\nand jail, god, the lithuanian education system sucks so bad, there's zero creativity, there's\nzero true learning, i retain basically nothing from school, because there's nothing to learn,\nthey give you magical numbers, formulas, texts, and then tell you to just remember it,\ni wish it was more practical rather than what ever *this* is lol,, freedom and creativity are\nhuge values to me, and i truly feel in-jailed ( ? ) in the system, i crave for the creativity,\ni crave for learning, i crave for substance and not pure 'take this book and recite it, my disciples'\nlol, welp, once again a thing i'm hopeless at changing, i kinda have to suffer through it\nand then live freely, hopefully lol\n\nhoping to move out of this shithole someday, lithuania sucks lol, i cant describe how much i hate\nit here, people suck, economy sucks, politics suck, everything here sucks, the only redeeming\nquality of lithuania is that it has a couple of old beautiful sights, and that it isn't all\nasphalt unlike america lol, i really wanna go back to germany, as explained in \nlol, but that's for the future\n\nright now, my goal and purpose is to push it through, and i've been through much worse, i'll\nsurvive this too, what's the 3 or 4 more years of suffering if i've already lived 16 years\nin it, god, i hate how emo this sounds lmao, but i mean, like, eh, it's just stupidity lol\n\ni'll get over this way of thinking one day, or not, idk, life is a confusing hard mess and i'm\nnot happy with it, i wanna change everything about it, i wanna break my life down, rip it into pieces,\nand rebuild it from scratch\n\ni'll quote my friend from a few days\n\n> you can't heal in an environment that hurt you\n\nand yeah lol, i just ew, i'll just push it through lol, like with piercings lol,\nit's so stupid to just like give up mid way through, just push it through, like with\nmy septum piercing, that was so painful, but my piercer pushed it through, it was temporary,\nand now i'm happy with it, we need some help sometimes, i guess\n\ni should really start seeing a psychiatrist again, but a good one, then a psychologist or\na therapist lol, or i'll be at this for time and time again trying to heal on my\nown, or if we use piercings as an analogy - i'll keep trying to pierce my own septum until\ni eventually can't do it and either be unhappy with everything constantly bothering me, or\ni give in and seek for a person to help me ( my piercer was so sweet i love her )\n\nwell, until i stop living in my bubble and have the resources for it, i'm stuck with just\npushing through, and idk, i can handle it, and i have my friends to support me, if anything\ni'll just have a week long mental breakdown and reset myself lol like that one time lol,\nbut mental breakdowns feel so garbage while they're happening, it's so mentally painful,\nit's horrible, but you feel good after and feel like you've let everything out of you, i need\na good mental breakdown, it'd be such a nice break from everything and an emotional reset i\nneed, but i'll keep myself together lol, the school year is almost over ( well 3 or so more motnsh\nbut still ), and then i'll get a break, i hope this summer will actually be good unlike the last\none lol\n\ni'm looking forward for next year a bit more than this, next year i'll get to pick what i want\nto study, which means it'll be a bit more engaging rather than constant pressure to learn random\npainful things, although the issue of lack of creativity and 'true learning' will still persist,\nat least i'll be engaged in the class lol\n\nliterally 1984\n\nlast week i decided to take a small break from code, i'm glad i did lol, i can't imagine\nmyself managing code stuff and working on this much school stuff at the same time, it's so much\n\n states :\n\n hey\n\n i'm taking a little break for 2 weeks as i feel like i'm working on code 24/7 and living on the clock, i am feeling\n very overwhelmed living with no break time, even people who are of working age get a couple of days of break,\n while i usually don't and i feel like its about time i take a break, my week usually looks like this :\n\n working days : energy exhausted, tired, can't work on anything\n saturday : usually spent on code\n sunday : test prep, school prep, stress, etc\n\n so ye, i think i'll give myself a break because i can't lol\n\nas much as i enjoy this, i think this is a well deserved break lol, i've been going at this code stuff\nfor a while non-stop, some of it underground, private, some of it on communities like coder ( idr if that's\nthe platform name, but there was like a social media or smt for like programmers where ppl could share\ntheir code and post it ), some of it theoretical, and of course - open source stuff too, i've also done some\nwork for people, i've been the internet's tech support too, etc etc etc - there's a lot i've done with basically\nno break for years lol, but i'm probably just like seeing it like such a big thing when its probably stupid and\nnothing, its annoying, i'm constantly unsure if something is stupid or not, i wish i could think like everyone else\nbut at the same time i don't - there's no way i'd like to be the same as everyone else, but like i'd like to have\nthe aspect of knowing if something is stupid or not ( for example the break thing )\n\ni'm so given up on everything, i feel like i've just made up my own delusions that i'll push it through, that future\nis brighter, that everything i do now is stupid and pointless, or that it's important, or that something, i feel like\ni'm living in my own world and that there's two people constantly contradicting one another, but eh, until i have\nbasis to prove that my delusions are false, i'll just stay in my safe bubble lol\n\ni'm distressed, exhausted, tired, angsty, angry, in-jailed, hopeful yet hopeless, distracted, not attached to reality, delusional,\nlazy, and in need of peace - i don't know what i'm saying anymore, it feels like i'm just spitting synonyms out expecting\nit to make sense, i'm an emotional ball of angst and i can't wait until my delusions ( allegedly ) come true\n\nok, side tracking,\n\nthis nice song just begun playing and i think it's nice, y'all should check it out\n\n( PIGBREATH - The Night Is Young (Official Music Video) ), i like it, i found it today like 2-3 hours ago and it's cool\n\nalso did y'all know that girl in red ( my beloved artist ) released a new song, it's super nice :3\n ( girl in red - Too Much (Official Video) ),\ni like this song, it's playing right now,, my best friend, [casey](https://ari.lt/casey), pointed it out to me like 1 or 2 days ago\n\nwell, anyway, there's another thing bothering me - people, there's so many things that trigger me, or make my emotions\nexplode, some more than others, like there's things people trigger almost if not daily and i'm sorta used to it, even if it\ndoes hurt, i know how to control it, but some rarer ones make me explode, and it sucks, i'm learning how to control my\nemotions as it's truly a me issue lol, not as if anyone should be required to deal with my own issues and triggers, it's my\njob to ask or stay quiet and deal with it, it's very painful and annoying, but i mean, it's a me issue lol\n\n## reflection\n\ni've made so much progress from my old self lol, thinking back about my life i feel a sense of accomplishment,\nbut it's sad how much work is needed to undo everything, i'll heal once i'm out of here, i think\n\ni used to have plans of suicide and stuff, now i don't, it's damn, i thought it's set in stone, i also used to\nbe a big anorexic, i'm not as much of one anymore, still a bit shaky on that, but i'm hanging \ud83d\udc4d, i used to\nbe super unhappy with my body, i'm now unhappy with my body knowing what's wrong, that's progress i guess ? i\nused to self harm a lot, i'm repulsed by it now, i used to be scared to express myself in any way, i'm not\nas scared anymore, i also moved away from the shitty school i was in before, i'm learning how to deal with my\nemotions better, i'm also learning how to properly treat myself, i've also tried many hobbies in my life, and i've\ngotten okay at one - programming, i also like cooking to this day, i used to also be super into chemistry\nand languages, biology too iirc, music creation ( both digital and \"physical\" if it makes sense ) in general it was cool\n\nwell, i'm glad programming stayed with me, i have a lot of fun with it and it gives me the freedom, creativity, and control\ni so long for in many aspects of life, and i like cooking, it helps me to develop a healthier relationship with food,\ni am trying to not optimize for 'how low calorie can i make this' - but honestly, my brain finds it super hard to\nnot optimize for kcal count to be low, but i mean i'm not trying to make everything super low calorie on purpose\nanymore, today was like one of those rare times i made pancakes, bro pancakes - one of my biggest fears before,\nWITH NO SPINACH, like if i craved pancakes so much i would just shove a lot of spinach to fill me up rather than anything\nelse, and today i made like normal pancakes lol, it wasn't horrible but it was sorta hard to digest, ofc made with\nvegan ingredients as i'm vegan myself lol\n\ncurrently my view on food and stuff is like 'it should be satisfying and feel good', this one girl on youtube called\n helped me understand that, maybe i'll change my view on it someday, but\nfor now that's what works for me /shrug\n\nidk, there's also personal growth, some private stuff, also self-discovery journey, etc - it's very damn\n\nthere's also some negative sides, for example i barely talk to anyone i used to talk to like 5 years ago, 5 years ago i\nused to be surrounded by like rodrigo, some tiktok friends, corbin too i think, that one girl and her emo artist friend,\nmax, those are the main ones i can recall, mainly from the lgbt support group i was in back then lol, i mean there were\nother people like noel, my best friend, which i don't talk to anymore after 10 years of friendship lol, etc etc etc lol\n\nthough i've gained other friends and stayed with others, but well, people come and go, currently, at this stage of life,\ni don't talk to many people lol, i don't really have any super close or closish bonds besides like bloody and casey, there's\nother people like joe, mike, kuran, ofc sininenkissa, other matrix people i talk to, but i wouldn't call them close bonds,\nmaybe mike, i would consider mike the closest out of that list lol, like i have connections with people, but they're never\nthat deep or close or meaningful or anything, well besides a couple, but it works for me lol, and i'm glad i'm not fully\nsocially isolated - like i sometimes go, and have went through social isolation episodes lol\n\ni've gotten better at dealing with a lot of stuff, but worse at other, i've learned to accept some things and break others\ndown, i've changed as a person, i've changed my environment, and this is probably not the first and not the last time i feel\nthis overwhelmed by change, tests, exams, life, friends, people, etc\n\n## concluding\n\ni mean i got a portion of what i wanted to get off my chest, off my chest, and i feel better now lol, i'm glad i have a\nplace like this to express myself in, share stories, and sometime look back on it, maybe not always in a positive light,\nbut it's something lol\n\nit's kinda scary to write about mental health and stuff after what happened in the past over half a year or so lol,\nbut it's over, and i'm getting over it lol\n\non a side note, [ari.lt](https://ari.lt/) matrix homeserver ( )\nis doing great, one of the coolest things that happened to it so far, is that it got #1 places in\ntwim ( this week in matrix ) blog : \n\nso that's cool\n\nanyway thanks for giving me this opportunity to express myself, and, well, til next time :),\ncrazy roller-coaster of events and emotions we just went through lol\n\nari\n\n2024/02/20\n\nmeow meow",
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